Tired

Fuckers... all of 'em. I'm so tired...

Yeah, so I put myself down. Big fucking whoop. Every think for a moment it's because I want to make you all feel like you're somebody? Make you all feel good about yourselves? If you find me less than you... then maybe you'll think you're an okay person.... Crazy reasoning, I guess, but we all know that most of us judge ourselves based on who we're better than... If I put myself down, then maybe you'll think yourself better than me, and then you can feel good about yourselves. Maybe I can do more than just hurt. Whoops. Sorry for caring. Sorry for trying.

Here's another thought: If you're gonna sit there and whine about how you don't care, then I'M FUCKING GOING TO MAKE YOU MAD TO PROVE THAT YOU DO GIVE A DAMN!! FUCKERS!! If you're mad, you're caring about something... aren't you? And if you're mad at me... then you're only slightly hurting me, and not anyone else. Ever look at it that way? I'm TRYING to make you fucking mad. I WANT you mad at me!! If you're mad, you're caring... If you're mad, you're doing something other than moping... Yeah, you're hurting me a little, but I wanted you mad at me, and then you're feeling something other than "apathy" aren't you? You're feeling... something...

Here's something hypocritical, don't you think?: Everyone complains that I don't do things for myself, that I put myself down, that I work myself to hard for others, but if I stand up, say no, do something my way, I'm being "mean" and "evil" and selfish... What the fuck, dude!? I'm standing up like you're telling me, I'm doing what I think is right, and you get mad at me? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND WILL YOU!?

I don't know what it is, man. I try and try and try... and all I end up doing is hurting... so I go and take myself out of the equasion, and I get yelled at... what on earth? What do you want? I can't make your decisions for you... I just can't. It's not my job.... I can only help so far as to guide you in the direction I think is right.

Courtesy
Integrity
Perserverance
Self-Control
Indomitable Spirit
J.O.Y
Forgive not 7 times but 70 times 7
Love thy neighbor
Love thine enemy

I TRY to live by those. When others are happy, I'm estatic. When others are sad, I try to make it my fault so then I can fix it. I can fix me. I can fix what I did wrong. If I can fix what went wrong, maybe they won't be sad anymore. It hurts so much when they're sad... so much.... So why, when I say "no" or make a decision for myself... it's a horrendous terror that is evil and bad and horrible? Why is it so wrong when I create a limit that I won't or can't pass? I do it so rarely.... what's wrong when I do?

Sad

Alright, so I'm not going back to my high school next year because my 'rents signed me up to go to a college for my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. It's kinda like skipping a grade, except both grades are rolled into one. Anyway, yeah, that's depressing for my friends, but it needs to happen. I can't always be there.

One of my friends, though, is really bumming about something... I don't know what it is, but she's super upset. I know it's not ONLY me. It's something she won't tell me. It makes me sad because she's my best friend right now. I can trust her when I can't trust anyone esle. So why is she hiding from me? She won't tell me what it is... and it makes me depressed...

Sure, she gives me excuses:
-I'm leaving next year
-The freshman bitch
-she's upset because her emotions keep flying everywhere
-her boyfriend is getting in trouble and she thinks it's her fault
-she doesn't like change
-her parents
but there's something more than that... and it is staring to scare me. I hope she tells me soon... I care about her a lot... More than anything I care about her.

I HAVE to go to the college next year. If I don't, things are gonna go crazy. People depend on me too much, expect me to make their decisions. I'm moving to Kentucky in June of next year. What do they think they're gonna do then? I can't be around forever, and this way they get used to the idea while I'm still in the state and within reach. I live two miles away from the high school and I'll have a 4 day week, so they KNOW I'll come bug them!

*sighs* She says she's never gonna see me any more after this year. That's wrong... I'm bugging her all summer and I'll bug her all next year too! She knows that I will... so why is she so upset? It hurts... it hurts a lot....

SANCTUARY!!

SANCTUARY! I CALL SANCTUARY HERE! Muma Mia! Here, I can rant all I like and NO ONE CARES! IT'S GREAT! I can bitch about the bitches and freak about all us freaks and No. One. Gives. A. Shit. Ain't it great?

Ok. So There's this girl in school. Freshman, new, kinda wimpy looking, obvioulsy has self-esteem issues. So we (my group and I) decide to try an make her feel welcome and let her fit in. She turns out to be a bitching, screaming, over dramatic, endless vortex of need. I HATE it!

She lies to me about one of my best friends, she turns MY Emma, MY EMMA!!!, so that Emma doesn't seem to realize the entire situation that's going on and just think's it's a big soap opera (which it is... but it's a soap opera where real people are getting hurt because of the one making it a soap opera by causing the dramatics!), she lies to me about my brother, about my other friends, calls me a bitch behind my back, plays on my sympathy and over protectiveness, makes me worry about her, calls for our attention constantly, makes me give her so much I'm almost depleted. Then, when I say "No" she FLIPS and decides that we hate her, tries to play on my weakness again, which doesn't work, then keeps on making a big, overdramatic production about it!

LOOK LADY, I CAN HANG WITH MY OTHER FRIENDS WITHOUT YOU THERE!! Sometimes I WANT to only hang with one particular friend! Is that a crime? Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so! Then, get this, she makes herself the victem... I'll put up with a lot of shit. I really do... but man, lying and using just gets to me. GO AWAY WOMAN! Sheesh.

Okay, so she gets into a relationship with my friend that doesn't last long 'cause all he wants is sex. Well, he's out the door 'cause that's his 5th offence of hurting me and my friends. Don't mind that, but then I introduce her to a guy who practically worships the ground she walks on. She's happy. He can't talk for a while because A) he'd like to pass 10th grade so he's stays after for extra help and classes and B) his grandparents are DYING so he has to visit them and C) he's getting shot at, but does she care? No. "We're not communicating so I can't stay in this relationship." Look, lady, if you REALLY loved him as much as you said you did, you'd've A) waited and B) CALLED BEFORE SCHOOL!! Now, okay, fine, whatever. Don't like the way things are working. That makes you a bit selfish, but hey, we can deal with that. What I CAN'T deal with is DUMPING MY FRIEND FOR THE GUY WHO USED YOU AND ONLY WANTED SEX!! YOU'RE A FUCKING BITCH WOMAN! GAH!! THEN she says HE'S dumping her! BULLSHIT! SHE DUMPED HIM!! It already happened, he said, and I trust him more right now, it's not about to happen or happening, it happened. END of story. STOP LYING TO ME!!

I can put up with over dramatics. I can put up with people who hopscotch from boyfriend to boyfriend. I can put up with weepy sob stories. I CAN'T put up with lying, abusing, using, or fakes. Just STOP! We caught you in a lie. You loose. So sorry. We'll be polite. We gave and gave and gave and gave without question, you took and took and took and took and used and abused, and we can't give anymore. What do you want? You brought this upon yourself. Shut up. Move on. A woman who has fought in and won 9 cat fights isn't this wimpy or weepy or sobby. Stop. We see your real face. Cut. It. Out.

I claim sanctuary here because no one knows about this... thank you...