Tired
Fuckers... all of 'em. I'm so tired...
Yeah, so I put myself down. Big fucking whoop. Every think for a moment it's because I want to make you all feel like you're somebody? Make you all feel good about yourselves? If you find me less than you... then maybe you'll think you're an okay person.... Crazy reasoning, I guess, but we all know that most of us judge ourselves based on who we're better than... If I put myself down, then maybe you'll think yourself better than me, and then you can feel good about yourselves. Maybe I can do more than just hurt. Whoops. Sorry for caring. Sorry for trying.
Here's another thought: If you're gonna sit there and whine about how you don't care, then I'M FUCKING GOING TO MAKE YOU MAD TO PROVE THAT YOU DO GIVE A DAMN!! FUCKERS!! If you're mad, you're caring about something... aren't you? And if you're mad at me... then you're only slightly hurting me, and not anyone else. Ever look at it that way? I'm TRYING to make you fucking mad. I WANT you mad at me!! If you're mad, you're caring... If you're mad, you're doing something other than moping... Yeah, you're hurting me a little, but I wanted you mad at me, and then you're feeling something other than "apathy" aren't you? You're feeling... something...
Here's something hypocritical, don't you think?: Everyone complains that I don't do things for myself, that I put myself down, that I work myself to hard for others, but if I stand up, say no, do something my way, I'm being "mean" and "evil" and selfish... What the fuck, dude!? I'm standing up like you're telling me, I'm doing what I think is right, and you get mad at me? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND WILL YOU!?
I don't know what it is, man. I try and try and try... and all I end up doing is hurting... so I go and take myself out of the equasion, and I get yelled at... what on earth? What do you want? I can't make your decisions for you... I just can't. It's not my job.... I can only help so far as to guide you in the direction I think is right.
Courtesy
Integrity
Perserverance
Self-Control
Indomitable Spirit
J.O.Y
Forgive not 7 times but 70 times 7
Love thy neighbor
Love thine enemy
I TRY to live by those. When others are happy, I'm estatic. When others are sad, I try to make it my fault so then I can fix it. I can fix me. I can fix what I did wrong. If I can fix what went wrong, maybe they won't be sad anymore. It hurts so much when they're sad... so much.... So why, when I say "no" or make a decision for myself... it's a horrendous terror that is evil and bad and horrible? Why is it so wrong when I create a limit that I won't or can't pass? I do it so rarely.... what's wrong when I do?
Yeah, so I put myself down. Big fucking whoop. Every think for a moment it's because I want to make you all feel like you're somebody? Make you all feel good about yourselves? If you find me less than you... then maybe you'll think you're an okay person.... Crazy reasoning, I guess, but we all know that most of us judge ourselves based on who we're better than... If I put myself down, then maybe you'll think yourself better than me, and then you can feel good about yourselves. Maybe I can do more than just hurt. Whoops. Sorry for caring. Sorry for trying.
Here's another thought: If you're gonna sit there and whine about how you don't care, then I'M FUCKING GOING TO MAKE YOU MAD TO PROVE THAT YOU DO GIVE A DAMN!! FUCKERS!! If you're mad, you're caring about something... aren't you? And if you're mad at me... then you're only slightly hurting me, and not anyone else. Ever look at it that way? I'm TRYING to make you fucking mad. I WANT you mad at me!! If you're mad, you're caring... If you're mad, you're doing something other than moping... Yeah, you're hurting me a little, but I wanted you mad at me, and then you're feeling something other than "apathy" aren't you? You're feeling... something...
Here's something hypocritical, don't you think?: Everyone complains that I don't do things for myself, that I put myself down, that I work myself to hard for others, but if I stand up, say no, do something my way, I'm being "mean" and "evil" and selfish... What the fuck, dude!? I'm standing up like you're telling me, I'm doing what I think is right, and you get mad at me? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND WILL YOU!?
I don't know what it is, man. I try and try and try... and all I end up doing is hurting... so I go and take myself out of the equasion, and I get yelled at... what on earth? What do you want? I can't make your decisions for you... I just can't. It's not my job.... I can only help so far as to guide you in the direction I think is right.
Courtesy
Integrity
Perserverance
Self-Control
Indomitable Spirit
J.O.Y
Forgive not 7 times but 70 times 7
Love thy neighbor
Love thine enemy
I TRY to live by those. When others are happy, I'm estatic. When others are sad, I try to make it my fault so then I can fix it. I can fix me. I can fix what I did wrong. If I can fix what went wrong, maybe they won't be sad anymore. It hurts so much when they're sad... so much.... So why, when I say "no" or make a decision for myself... it's a horrendous terror that is evil and bad and horrible? Why is it so wrong when I create a limit that I won't or can't pass? I do it so rarely.... what's wrong when I do?
posted by Youko Lapri at 5:31 PM
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