I'm Okay
Dad's getting worse. We're broke. Real broke, I mean. I'm buying groceries after work, dad's getting shorter tempered. He takes it out on George most of the time because George never gets anything done and is in his face. The other day, though, Daddy took it out on me.
It stands to reason that if I'm hurt, I feel bad. It stands to reason that I want a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. It stands to reason that I'm going to get every little bit out, logical or not, and it stands to reason that emotions are NOT logical. So why, when I'm sobbing, are you trying to spew logic at me and telling me I'm being stupid and have no reason to cry? Dad, my head knows thing saren't my fault, but my heart is not my head. Emotions are not logical. Stop taking your anger at yourself out on me and George.
So my choices for school this year were: 1- go to the public school or 2 - go to college for a year for free. I chose option 2 (obviously) and now my friends back at high school are just getting fucked up.
Nikki
Adrian
Lindsey
Catherine
Kira
Aaron
In general - EVERYONE KNOWS I'VE BEEN PLANNING TO MOVE TO KENTUCKY FOR THREE YEARS NOW! GO FUCK YOURSELVES! I'M MOVING! I'M GOING TO UNIVERSITY OF LOUISEVILLE! YOU KNEW THIS! THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED! Sheesh...
Nikki - Hun, you're one of my best friends, my puppy, and probably the person I'm most protective over... Ok, over the summer, shit happened. She though I'd be mad but I wasn't. I was supportive. She's now more paranoid than anyone I know, won't trust me, won't listen to reason, and she treats me like I'm a bit of a freak. She got mad when I said I was still (as always) going to UofL 'cause she wants me to go to St. Scholastica (YAY FOR HER FOR GETTING IN!) with her. She wants me to go because she's going. Now, you can't rant at me for choosing my college based off of emotions (which wasn't me initial reason... I'm going because they have affordable, good programs which I want for my majors. Friends are just perks...) and then tell me to go else where because you're my friend and you're going there. Yeah.,.... That's brilliant. You've known I've been hankering to get OUT OF MINNESOTA, wanted to go to KY for school even before I kenw people down there, and know that the school you're going to doesn't have the courses I want or has really crappy courses, and you still are angry at me for doing what I've said I'm going to do.... You had ample warning. Get out of my face about it. Oh, and stop blaming me for "abandoning" you! Everyone has been blaming me for that! Jeeze Louise! I DIDN'T! I left because I had no choice. No, I wasn't unhappy to leave the school, but I cried about leaving you. Baka. I don't sleep at night. I don't eat right. I'm depressed constantly, and yet you still blame me. You still listen to Adrian and the lies he and Lindsey whisper before checking with me. You know what? Adrian shouldn't have to give forgiveness! He should have to ASK for it! He's the one who was just happy to go on dating/fucking both you AND Lindsey, and I ruined that for him so he's mad at me. I fucked up his chance to sleep with two girls and he's mad at me for it. He should ask for forgivness. He should be the one that's sorry. Not us.
Adrian - You're a bitch. Hope you know that. You wanted two girls to sleep with you, and then I fuck that up and you get mad at me. And then, you manipulate them so that they ask YOU for forgivness and you "take them back" and whisper lies to both of them. Wow, you are a pathetic miserable old fool. I call to appologize, and I have to call 6 times before you answer with "What?" and you don't even remember why you're mad at me!? You're just doing it to be bitchy!? Jeeze! YOU'RE WORSE THAN REN!! AND HE'S BEEN CALLED AN EGOTISICAL, PMSING, DRAMA QUEEN! Thanks bitch. Love ya too.
Lindsey - God.... Why'd you lie? We wouldn't have had this much of a problem if you hadn't lied.... Or if both you and Nikki could get over the fact that Adrian was being a bitch... He didn't care about you two. He told me that. He didn't care that you two were being hurt. He didn't care at all. He was getting his kicks out of it. He wanted to sleep with you two... and I messed that up for him, so he got mad. And now... Jeeze, hun, Tony's just using you. You know what he told Bryan? He told Bryan that the only reason why he wanted you back was 'cause he couldn't "get any" from any other girl. He doesn't respect you. Hell, you barely respect yourself. We tried. We did. Why'd you lie to us? We can put up with a lot... we just don't like being lied to...
Catherine - Girl, you know I love you. You rock. Why are you listening to lies? Why aren't you checking on them first? Why did you just do that? We care.... We do... Please, come back to us.
Kira - Stop being a drama queen. Get over Alex like you said you were earlier. I'm over Brian and Aaron. I'm over the hurt Kenny did to me. Kenny, Brian, and Aaron happened a whole lot more recently than Alex. Yeah. Life bites. When we make plans for a day, though, before you have work, mind, and you say "I said Saturday" (when Paris heard Friday too!) I'm just gonna give up! Don't tell me how bad you've got it. I've been putting up with worse shit than you have been for longer than you. Yeah, you're older. Yeah, you're dad's a fruit. Guess what, everyone's life sucks. Suck up and soldier like the rest of us. Don't whine to me that I don't understand. I probably understand better than you do. So either pick up and think, or gimme my books back and we'll go our separate ways.... And another thing: don't whine at me about how you're miserable because no one cares and no one comes and hangs out when I do come to hang out... Even if I'm the only one... I came to hang out and have fun, not get whined at and told I'm not good enough.
Aaron - You're a liar. You promised me so many things. Yeah, I hide how much it hurts, but I hide everything. I don't mind so much that you're not going to date me or anything. I mind that you lied to me. I don't like being lied to... I wish you knew. I whise you knew everything, but I don't know what you'd do with that information. I can't tell ANYONE how much I'm hurting anymore. No, it's not all your fault. Some of it is Brian, some is Kenny, a lot of it is my relatives. I've never trusted them. Mom and Dad I trust with bits. I trust everyone with bits of myself, but Emma's the closest I've come to trusting with everything. She knew more than you did. Probably more than you ever will... And oh god, it hurts. It hurts more than anything, and I can barely stand it. Yet, I can't trust. I can't trust you, I can't trust my relatives, I can't trust Emma, I can't trust Brian and Ash... I can't trust anyone. I want to scream and shout and tell everything, but I can't trust. The person I trust the most is Maureen, and that's cause she's reading this. (*waves* Yay ranting), and she doesn't judge me like the rest of you do. You judge me. Hell, you broke up with me because I wasn't pretty enough. Ass. Promises promises. When're you gonna call like you said? When're you going to come visit!? HUH!? I'VE BEEN WAITING THREE YEARS FOR THAT VISIT! ... Maybe I should tell you some of this...
I guess half of that is I don't trust myself. That's probably the biggest thing ever. I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself not to hurt someone I love. I don't trust myself not to fuck everything up. I'm a klutz and a mess, and I can't trust myself....
But I'm okay.
It stands to reason that if I'm hurt, I feel bad. It stands to reason that I want a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. It stands to reason that I'm going to get every little bit out, logical or not, and it stands to reason that emotions are NOT logical. So why, when I'm sobbing, are you trying to spew logic at me and telling me I'm being stupid and have no reason to cry? Dad, my head knows thing saren't my fault, but my heart is not my head. Emotions are not logical. Stop taking your anger at yourself out on me and George.
So my choices for school this year were: 1- go to the public school or 2 - go to college for a year for free. I chose option 2 (obviously) and now my friends back at high school are just getting fucked up.
Nikki
Adrian
Lindsey
Catherine
Kira
Aaron
In general - EVERYONE KNOWS I'VE BEEN PLANNING TO MOVE TO KENTUCKY FOR THREE YEARS NOW! GO FUCK YOURSELVES! I'M MOVING! I'M GOING TO UNIVERSITY OF LOUISEVILLE! YOU KNEW THIS! THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED! Sheesh...
Nikki - Hun, you're one of my best friends, my puppy, and probably the person I'm most protective over... Ok, over the summer, shit happened. She though I'd be mad but I wasn't. I was supportive. She's now more paranoid than anyone I know, won't trust me, won't listen to reason, and she treats me like I'm a bit of a freak. She got mad when I said I was still (as always) going to UofL 'cause she wants me to go to St. Scholastica (YAY FOR HER FOR GETTING IN!) with her. She wants me to go because she's going. Now, you can't rant at me for choosing my college based off of emotions (which wasn't me initial reason... I'm going because they have affordable, good programs which I want for my majors. Friends are just perks...) and then tell me to go else where because you're my friend and you're going there. Yeah.,.... That's brilliant. You've known I've been hankering to get OUT OF MINNESOTA, wanted to go to KY for school even before I kenw people down there, and know that the school you're going to doesn't have the courses I want or has really crappy courses, and you still are angry at me for doing what I've said I'm going to do.... You had ample warning. Get out of my face about it. Oh, and stop blaming me for "abandoning" you! Everyone has been blaming me for that! Jeeze Louise! I DIDN'T! I left because I had no choice. No, I wasn't unhappy to leave the school, but I cried about leaving you. Baka. I don't sleep at night. I don't eat right. I'm depressed constantly, and yet you still blame me. You still listen to Adrian and the lies he and Lindsey whisper before checking with me. You know what? Adrian shouldn't have to give forgiveness! He should have to ASK for it! He's the one who was just happy to go on dating/fucking both you AND Lindsey, and I ruined that for him so he's mad at me. I fucked up his chance to sleep with two girls and he's mad at me for it. He should ask for forgivness. He should be the one that's sorry. Not us.
Adrian - You're a bitch. Hope you know that. You wanted two girls to sleep with you, and then I fuck that up and you get mad at me. And then, you manipulate them so that they ask YOU for forgivness and you "take them back" and whisper lies to both of them. Wow, you are a pathetic miserable old fool. I call to appologize, and I have to call 6 times before you answer with "What?" and you don't even remember why you're mad at me!? You're just doing it to be bitchy!? Jeeze! YOU'RE WORSE THAN REN!! AND HE'S BEEN CALLED AN EGOTISICAL, PMSING, DRAMA QUEEN! Thanks bitch. Love ya too.
Lindsey - God.... Why'd you lie? We wouldn't have had this much of a problem if you hadn't lied.... Or if both you and Nikki could get over the fact that Adrian was being a bitch... He didn't care about you two. He told me that. He didn't care that you two were being hurt. He didn't care at all. He was getting his kicks out of it. He wanted to sleep with you two... and I messed that up for him, so he got mad. And now... Jeeze, hun, Tony's just using you. You know what he told Bryan? He told Bryan that the only reason why he wanted you back was 'cause he couldn't "get any" from any other girl. He doesn't respect you. Hell, you barely respect yourself. We tried. We did. Why'd you lie to us? We can put up with a lot... we just don't like being lied to...
Catherine - Girl, you know I love you. You rock. Why are you listening to lies? Why aren't you checking on them first? Why did you just do that? We care.... We do... Please, come back to us.
Kira - Stop being a drama queen. Get over Alex like you said you were earlier. I'm over Brian and Aaron. I'm over the hurt Kenny did to me. Kenny, Brian, and Aaron happened a whole lot more recently than Alex. Yeah. Life bites. When we make plans for a day, though, before you have work, mind, and you say "I said Saturday" (when Paris heard Friday too!) I'm just gonna give up! Don't tell me how bad you've got it. I've been putting up with worse shit than you have been for longer than you. Yeah, you're older. Yeah, you're dad's a fruit. Guess what, everyone's life sucks. Suck up and soldier like the rest of us. Don't whine to me that I don't understand. I probably understand better than you do. So either pick up and think, or gimme my books back and we'll go our separate ways.... And another thing: don't whine at me about how you're miserable because no one cares and no one comes and hangs out when I do come to hang out... Even if I'm the only one... I came to hang out and have fun, not get whined at and told I'm not good enough.
Aaron - You're a liar. You promised me so many things. Yeah, I hide how much it hurts, but I hide everything. I don't mind so much that you're not going to date me or anything. I mind that you lied to me. I don't like being lied to... I wish you knew. I whise you knew everything, but I don't know what you'd do with that information. I can't tell ANYONE how much I'm hurting anymore. No, it's not all your fault. Some of it is Brian, some is Kenny, a lot of it is my relatives. I've never trusted them. Mom and Dad I trust with bits. I trust everyone with bits of myself, but Emma's the closest I've come to trusting with everything. She knew more than you did. Probably more than you ever will... And oh god, it hurts. It hurts more than anything, and I can barely stand it. Yet, I can't trust. I can't trust you, I can't trust my relatives, I can't trust Emma, I can't trust Brian and Ash... I can't trust anyone. I want to scream and shout and tell everything, but I can't trust. The person I trust the most is Maureen, and that's cause she's reading this. (*waves* Yay ranting), and she doesn't judge me like the rest of you do. You judge me. Hell, you broke up with me because I wasn't pretty enough. Ass. Promises promises. When're you gonna call like you said? When're you going to come visit!? HUH!? I'VE BEEN WAITING THREE YEARS FOR THAT VISIT! ... Maybe I should tell you some of this...
I guess half of that is I don't trust myself. That's probably the biggest thing ever. I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself not to hurt someone I love. I don't trust myself not to fuck everything up. I'm a klutz and a mess, and I can't trust myself....
But I'm okay.
posted by Youko Lapri at 7:16 PM
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