I'm Okay

Dad's getting worse. We're broke. Real broke, I mean. I'm buying groceries after work, dad's getting shorter tempered. He takes it out on George most of the time because George never gets anything done and is in his face. The other day, though, Daddy took it out on me.

It stands to reason that if I'm hurt, I feel bad. It stands to reason that I want a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. It stands to reason that I'm going to get every little bit out, logical or not, and it stands to reason that emotions are NOT logical. So why, when I'm sobbing, are you trying to spew logic at me and telling me I'm being stupid and have no reason to cry? Dad, my head knows thing saren't my fault, but my heart is not my head. Emotions are not logical. Stop taking your anger at yourself out on me and George.

So my choices for school this year were: 1- go to the public school or 2 - go to college for a year for free. I chose option 2 (obviously) and now my friends back at high school are just getting fucked up.

Nikki
Adrian
Lindsey
Catherine
Kira
Aaron

In general - EVERYONE KNOWS I'VE BEEN PLANNING TO MOVE TO KENTUCKY FOR THREE YEARS NOW! GO FUCK YOURSELVES! I'M MOVING! I'M GOING TO UNIVERSITY OF LOUISEVILLE! YOU KNEW THIS! THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED! Sheesh...

Nikki - Hun, you're one of my best friends, my puppy, and probably the person I'm most protective over... Ok, over the summer, shit happened. She though I'd be mad but I wasn't. I was supportive. She's now more paranoid than anyone I know, won't trust me, won't listen to reason, and she treats me like I'm a bit of a freak. She got mad when I said I was still (as always) going to UofL 'cause she wants me to go to St. Scholastica (YAY FOR HER FOR GETTING IN!) with her. She wants me to go because she's going. Now, you can't rant at me for choosing my college based off of emotions (which wasn't me initial reason... I'm going because they have affordable, good programs which I want for my majors. Friends are just perks...) and then tell me to go else where because you're my friend and you're going there. Yeah.,.... That's brilliant. You've known I've been hankering to get OUT OF MINNESOTA, wanted to go to KY for school even before I kenw people down there, and know that the school you're going to doesn't have the courses I want or has really crappy courses, and you still are angry at me for doing what I've said I'm going to do.... You had ample warning. Get out of my face about it. Oh, and stop blaming me for "abandoning" you! Everyone has been blaming me for that! Jeeze Louise! I DIDN'T! I left because I had no choice. No, I wasn't unhappy to leave the school, but I cried about leaving you. Baka. I don't sleep at night. I don't eat right. I'm depressed constantly, and yet you still blame me. You still listen to Adrian and the lies he and Lindsey whisper before checking with me. You know what? Adrian shouldn't have to give forgiveness! He should have to ASK for it! He's the one who was just happy to go on dating/fucking both you AND Lindsey, and I ruined that for him so he's mad at me. I fucked up his chance to sleep with two girls and he's mad at me for it. He should ask for forgivness. He should be the one that's sorry. Not us.

Adrian - You're a bitch. Hope you know that. You wanted two girls to sleep with you, and then I fuck that up and you get mad at me. And then, you manipulate them so that they ask YOU for forgivness and you "take them back" and whisper lies to both of them. Wow, you are a pathetic miserable old fool. I call to appologize, and I have to call 6 times before you answer with "What?" and you don't even remember why you're mad at me!? You're just doing it to be bitchy!? Jeeze! YOU'RE WORSE THAN REN!! AND HE'S BEEN CALLED AN EGOTISICAL, PMSING, DRAMA QUEEN! Thanks bitch. Love ya too.

Lindsey - God.... Why'd you lie? We wouldn't have had this much of a problem if you hadn't lied.... Or if both you and Nikki could get over the fact that Adrian was being a bitch... He didn't care about you two. He told me that. He didn't care that you two were being hurt. He didn't care at all. He was getting his kicks out of it. He wanted to sleep with you two... and I messed that up for him, so he got mad. And now... Jeeze, hun, Tony's just using you. You know what he told Bryan? He told Bryan that the only reason why he wanted you back was 'cause he couldn't "get any" from any other girl. He doesn't respect you. Hell, you barely respect yourself. We tried. We did. Why'd you lie to us? We can put up with a lot... we just don't like being lied to...

Catherine - Girl, you know I love you. You rock. Why are you listening to lies? Why aren't you checking on them first? Why did you just do that? We care.... We do... Please, come back to us.

Kira - Stop being a drama queen. Get over Alex like you said you were earlier. I'm over Brian and Aaron. I'm over the hurt Kenny did to me. Kenny, Brian, and Aaron happened a whole lot more recently than Alex. Yeah. Life bites. When we make plans for a day, though, before you have work, mind, and you say "I said Saturday" (when Paris heard Friday too!) I'm just gonna give up! Don't tell me how bad you've got it. I've been putting up with worse shit than you have been for longer than you. Yeah, you're older. Yeah, you're dad's a fruit. Guess what, everyone's life sucks. Suck up and soldier like the rest of us. Don't whine to me that I don't understand. I probably understand better than you do. So either pick up and think, or gimme my books back and we'll go our separate ways.... And another thing: don't whine at me about how you're miserable because no one cares and no one comes and hangs out when I do come to hang out... Even if I'm the only one... I came to hang out and have fun, not get whined at and told I'm not good enough.

Aaron - You're a liar. You promised me so many things. Yeah, I hide how much it hurts, but I hide everything. I don't mind so much that you're not going to date me or anything. I mind that you lied to me. I don't like being lied to... I wish you knew. I whise you knew everything, but I don't know what you'd do with that information. I can't tell ANYONE how much I'm hurting anymore. No, it's not all your fault. Some of it is Brian, some is Kenny, a lot of it is my relatives. I've never trusted them. Mom and Dad I trust with bits. I trust everyone with bits of myself, but Emma's the closest I've come to trusting with everything. She knew more than you did. Probably more than you ever will... And oh god, it hurts. It hurts more than anything, and I can barely stand it. Yet, I can't trust. I can't trust you, I can't trust my relatives, I can't trust Emma, I can't trust Brian and Ash... I can't trust anyone. I want to scream and shout and tell everything, but I can't trust. The person I trust the most is Maureen, and that's cause she's reading this. (*waves* Yay ranting), and she doesn't judge me like the rest of you do. You judge me. Hell, you broke up with me because I wasn't pretty enough. Ass. Promises promises. When're you gonna call like you said? When're you going to come visit!? HUH!? I'VE BEEN WAITING THREE YEARS FOR THAT VISIT! ... Maybe I should tell you some of this...

I guess half of that is I don't trust myself. That's probably the biggest thing ever. I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself not to hurt someone I love. I don't trust myself not to fuck everything up. I'm a klutz and a mess, and I can't trust myself....

But I'm okay.

Rant

Bagwell. Respet. Feh! So he asks for honesty, he asks for respect, so I give him honesty, I don't know the last time I DISRESPECTED him! That egotistical ass thinks he can take all his pain out on me. FEH! So some black belt in the back, whom I DON'T know the name of because she told me once and I have a terrible time with names (WHICH HE KNOWS) catches a comment I make as I'm grumbling about everything. Not 2 minutes before the class, I was grumbling about my brother. After leaving the class, I was grumbling about the cold. I was griping about EVERYTHING that day. So instead of just letting it go, ignoring me, letting me grumble then realize I was a fool, she has to comment back. So I have to defend myself. So this escalates, then the stupid girl goes and TELLS HIM instead of letting me!! So I get chewed out, he DOESN'T LISTEN TO A WORD OF MY DEFENSE AND he goes to Grand Master because he can't face me himself. Bagwell knows me. He knows that I grumble. He knows that after I've calmed down, I'll reevaluate things, and I'll comment or not depending on whether or not I find my comments from before hand valid and more than just spur of the moment. But no, I wounded his precious pride, and now he has to treat me with less respect. Great. He never really respected me. I was always student first. I was always that dumb 12 year old.

On top of it all he calls me a liar. I tell him that I'm not and that it's probably a misunderstanding. Thank god for misunderstandings, right? Because that's what he goes and does. He acts as if I'm calling him a liar! NO FUCKING WAY! All I said was that I didn't lie and I dislike being called one. Grand Master probably forgot, because my dad was right there.

He says he's done. Fine. This can be done for him, but it's not resolved. He's 30-something. He should stop acting like a 5 year old and actually talk to me. He just refuses to. I'm TRYING to resolve this like a mature, 3rd degree black belt. I won't be told to be silent when something's wrong and I know i can fix it. I won't, but I won't argue with a stubborn man who won't listen because I'm 17. That's all it comes down to. My fucking age. I'm 17, my word and my thoughts mean nothing. I'm 17, I have no wisdom, I have no knowledge, and I have no power.

I wanted to test. I wanted to test so bad to make my parents, Grand Master, and even him proud. I wanted them to be proud of me. I can't now. School interferes, the money is a big issue, and now this. Feh. I'm being ridiculed because I made an off hand comment that escalated, and while I'm open to talk, I'm open and trying to be mature, no one else is. I'm 17, I'm a child, I'm not worth it. Screw you, Bagwell, and screw Carissa too. This isn't worth the hurt. This isn't worth the fight. Forget it, forget you, forget the school. I just give up. You never had faith in me and I know it.

Stupid men, stupid world. Stupid stupid humans.... I hate being human..... stupid stupid stupid emotions. Stupid.

Third Wheel

She used to be friends with both of them
They met because of She
She was her best friend
She and he were crushing on each other
He asked her out instead
So they went out
Now they have fun without She
Even though She insists that She doens't feel hurt
She still feels bad
But She doesn't want to ruin it for them
She doesn't want them to feel bad
She insists She doesn't feel like baggage
They insist that She isn't
They invite She to many places
But sometimes they back out
She used to go see movies with her
It would be a girl's night out
When her and She went with other couples
Her and She were each other's comfort
Now She sees the movies alone
She curls up in a seat on her own
And makes coments with her brother
But her brother doesn't understand
And some movies her brother refuses to see
So She goes alone
She and he used to play video games
He and She used to cuddle just because
Now they cuddle together
While She pets the dog in her lap
And She no longer plays video games
Instead She finds the games boring
She tries with her other friends
But they all have Others to be with
They only talk about their Others
And the Ones without Others
Don't know her as well
The Ones without Others
Aren't Her or Him
The Ones without Others
Don't quite understand
The Ones without Others are wonderful
She loves to talk to and hang out with them
But She also has an Other
Even though he is never near
Which separates She from the Ones without Others
And that is sometimes too much of a gap
But She doens't say anything
And no one notices
Because She refuses to tell them
Because She's the Third Wheel

To All:

Okay, this is for mostly guys, but still...

This really fucking pisses me off. In quizzes, there'll be a question like this:

Last time I cried was

And some will answer with this:

i don't cry

Here's what I have to say to you:

GOD DAMN IT!! STOP IT ALL YOU MALES WHO THINK THAT CRYING ISN'T MACHO OR WHATEVER THE FUCKING SHIT IT IS! YOU HEAR ME!? I've either HEARD or SEEN all of you cry! Stop giving me that fucking cock and bull story that you don't! A REAL guy, one who's got REAL balls and guts isn't afraid to admit that he has cried! A guy girls can go for is one who isn't afraid that he has cried! STOP FEEDING THE REST OF US THIS BULLSHIT! IT DOESN'T IMPRESS US! JUST TELLS US YOU HAVE NO HEART OR FEELINGS!! *huffs and puffs* sorry... that might have been over the top... but i'm ticked at my brother too because he's pulling this macho shit and it's pissing me off... stop it now! It's STUPID not "cool" or "sweet" or whatever the fucking hell you think it is! CUT IT OUT NOW OR I SWEAR I'LL MAKE YOU CRY AND YOU KNOW I CAN, DAMN IT! IT'S FUCKING STUPID AND ANNOYING AND STOP IT! DAMN IT IT'S DUMB!!

It's a bullshit thing and it shows that you have no heart if you say you don't cry. If you're man enough to cry then that means that you're man enough to handle your own emotions and you know when enough is enough. If you're not, learn it. It's a good trait. My brother has been an ass as of late (most of you know this) and it's made me cry a whole fucking lot. There was a time when I swore I'd never cry again... That didn't last because all that emotion built up and I got sick from it. I almost got an ulcer. It's bad not to cry. If you say you don't cry, that's bullshit and I know it. If you can admit you cry, then you're a better and stronger person than most... If you can't, then you're just being stupid and trying to show how fucking macho you are but all you show is how fucking stupid and how fucking annoying you can be. I realize I'm talking to a lot of my friends, but damn it it's bugging me and you damn well know that i don't get upset except for a good reason... stop being fools, please. It'll only lead to hurt.

Tired

Fuckers... all of 'em. I'm so tired...

Yeah, so I put myself down. Big fucking whoop. Every think for a moment it's because I want to make you all feel like you're somebody? Make you all feel good about yourselves? If you find me less than you... then maybe you'll think you're an okay person.... Crazy reasoning, I guess, but we all know that most of us judge ourselves based on who we're better than... If I put myself down, then maybe you'll think yourself better than me, and then you can feel good about yourselves. Maybe I can do more than just hurt. Whoops. Sorry for caring. Sorry for trying.

Here's another thought: If you're gonna sit there and whine about how you don't care, then I'M FUCKING GOING TO MAKE YOU MAD TO PROVE THAT YOU DO GIVE A DAMN!! FUCKERS!! If you're mad, you're caring about something... aren't you? And if you're mad at me... then you're only slightly hurting me, and not anyone else. Ever look at it that way? I'm TRYING to make you fucking mad. I WANT you mad at me!! If you're mad, you're caring... If you're mad, you're doing something other than moping... Yeah, you're hurting me a little, but I wanted you mad at me, and then you're feeling something other than "apathy" aren't you? You're feeling... something...

Here's something hypocritical, don't you think?: Everyone complains that I don't do things for myself, that I put myself down, that I work myself to hard for others, but if I stand up, say no, do something my way, I'm being "mean" and "evil" and selfish... What the fuck, dude!? I'm standing up like you're telling me, I'm doing what I think is right, and you get mad at me? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND WILL YOU!?

I don't know what it is, man. I try and try and try... and all I end up doing is hurting... so I go and take myself out of the equasion, and I get yelled at... what on earth? What do you want? I can't make your decisions for you... I just can't. It's not my job.... I can only help so far as to guide you in the direction I think is right.

Courtesy
Integrity
Perserverance
Self-Control
Indomitable Spirit
J.O.Y
Forgive not 7 times but 70 times 7
Love thy neighbor
Love thine enemy

I TRY to live by those. When others are happy, I'm estatic. When others are sad, I try to make it my fault so then I can fix it. I can fix me. I can fix what I did wrong. If I can fix what went wrong, maybe they won't be sad anymore. It hurts so much when they're sad... so much.... So why, when I say "no" or make a decision for myself... it's a horrendous terror that is evil and bad and horrible? Why is it so wrong when I create a limit that I won't or can't pass? I do it so rarely.... what's wrong when I do?

Sad

Alright, so I'm not going back to my high school next year because my 'rents signed me up to go to a college for my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. It's kinda like skipping a grade, except both grades are rolled into one. Anyway, yeah, that's depressing for my friends, but it needs to happen. I can't always be there.

One of my friends, though, is really bumming about something... I don't know what it is, but she's super upset. I know it's not ONLY me. It's something she won't tell me. It makes me sad because she's my best friend right now. I can trust her when I can't trust anyone esle. So why is she hiding from me? She won't tell me what it is... and it makes me depressed...

Sure, she gives me excuses:
-I'm leaving next year
-The freshman bitch
-she's upset because her emotions keep flying everywhere
-her boyfriend is getting in trouble and she thinks it's her fault
-she doesn't like change
-her parents
but there's something more than that... and it is staring to scare me. I hope she tells me soon... I care about her a lot... More than anything I care about her.

I HAVE to go to the college next year. If I don't, things are gonna go crazy. People depend on me too much, expect me to make their decisions. I'm moving to Kentucky in June of next year. What do they think they're gonna do then? I can't be around forever, and this way they get used to the idea while I'm still in the state and within reach. I live two miles away from the high school and I'll have a 4 day week, so they KNOW I'll come bug them!

*sighs* She says she's never gonna see me any more after this year. That's wrong... I'm bugging her all summer and I'll bug her all next year too! She knows that I will... so why is she so upset? It hurts... it hurts a lot....

SANCTUARY!!

SANCTUARY! I CALL SANCTUARY HERE! Muma Mia! Here, I can rant all I like and NO ONE CARES! IT'S GREAT! I can bitch about the bitches and freak about all us freaks and No. One. Gives. A. Shit. Ain't it great?

Ok. So There's this girl in school. Freshman, new, kinda wimpy looking, obvioulsy has self-esteem issues. So we (my group and I) decide to try an make her feel welcome and let her fit in. She turns out to be a bitching, screaming, over dramatic, endless vortex of need. I HATE it!

She lies to me about one of my best friends, she turns MY Emma, MY EMMA!!!, so that Emma doesn't seem to realize the entire situation that's going on and just think's it's a big soap opera (which it is... but it's a soap opera where real people are getting hurt because of the one making it a soap opera by causing the dramatics!), she lies to me about my brother, about my other friends, calls me a bitch behind my back, plays on my sympathy and over protectiveness, makes me worry about her, calls for our attention constantly, makes me give her so much I'm almost depleted. Then, when I say "No" she FLIPS and decides that we hate her, tries to play on my weakness again, which doesn't work, then keeps on making a big, overdramatic production about it!

LOOK LADY, I CAN HANG WITH MY OTHER FRIENDS WITHOUT YOU THERE!! Sometimes I WANT to only hang with one particular friend! Is that a crime? Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so! Then, get this, she makes herself the victem... I'll put up with a lot of shit. I really do... but man, lying and using just gets to me. GO AWAY WOMAN! Sheesh.

Okay, so she gets into a relationship with my friend that doesn't last long 'cause all he wants is sex. Well, he's out the door 'cause that's his 5th offence of hurting me and my friends. Don't mind that, but then I introduce her to a guy who practically worships the ground she walks on. She's happy. He can't talk for a while because A) he'd like to pass 10th grade so he's stays after for extra help and classes and B) his grandparents are DYING so he has to visit them and C) he's getting shot at, but does she care? No. "We're not communicating so I can't stay in this relationship." Look, lady, if you REALLY loved him as much as you said you did, you'd've A) waited and B) CALLED BEFORE SCHOOL!! Now, okay, fine, whatever. Don't like the way things are working. That makes you a bit selfish, but hey, we can deal with that. What I CAN'T deal with is DUMPING MY FRIEND FOR THE GUY WHO USED YOU AND ONLY WANTED SEX!! YOU'RE A FUCKING BITCH WOMAN! GAH!! THEN she says HE'S dumping her! BULLSHIT! SHE DUMPED HIM!! It already happened, he said, and I trust him more right now, it's not about to happen or happening, it happened. END of story. STOP LYING TO ME!!

I can put up with over dramatics. I can put up with people who hopscotch from boyfriend to boyfriend. I can put up with weepy sob stories. I CAN'T put up with lying, abusing, using, or fakes. Just STOP! We caught you in a lie. You loose. So sorry. We'll be polite. We gave and gave and gave and gave without question, you took and took and took and took and used and abused, and we can't give anymore. What do you want? You brought this upon yourself. Shut up. Move on. A woman who has fought in and won 9 cat fights isn't this wimpy or weepy or sobby. Stop. We see your real face. Cut. It. Out.

I claim sanctuary here because no one knows about this... thank you...